November feels: I fucking HATE our modern society. I HATE IT. Everything is completely unsustainable and utterly dysfunctional, and instead of blaming these corrupt systems, we have the tragic audacity to blame each other and even ourselves! You and I are merely pawns in a game played and rigged by the elite few in power. … Continue reading The Power of Grief
mental health
Maybe It’s All Ok
The past two weeks have felt like death. Yesterday I finally came up for air. I am so tired, but relieved. Music and macrame have been my saving grace. I know I'm like 20 years late here, I discovered "Thank U" by Alanis Morissette and I listen to it on repeat and cry. Somehow it … Continue reading Maybe It’s All Ok
What Really Makes You Well?
There is a book on my desk titled"What Really Makes You Ill?"That I bought last month for the hell of itThinking perhaps I could be further enlightenedAs to the inner workings of illnessAnd perhaps further cure myselfBut as I lay here with a sore throatAnd those words are the closest in sightI realize I don't … Continue reading What Really Makes You Well?
Burning the Past
"I should burn all my old journals." I only wish I could backtrack and remember what thoughts led to this one. The thought swelled so large and overtook my brain that all other thoughts were totally swallowed up and forgotten. Perhaps it was one of those rare moments of divine interruption, when the guidance you … Continue reading Burning the Past
The Whole Self
I have tried to fit into the countless boxes of others' experiences. I have divided myself into countless pieces that would fit into those countless boxes. All of me will not fit into someone else's box. So I cut off the small part that will… …over and over again, with each small box of someone … Continue reading The Whole Self
Love in the mess
It doesn't appear I've made much "progress" if you look at my life right now. In many ways I'm more non-functioning than ever. Been sick on and off for months. I have crazy anxiety that leaves me terrified to be left alone. What you don't see is my inner landscape. Despite the anxiety, I'm more … Continue reading Love in the mess
anatomy of a panic attack
Yesterday I experienced my first real anxiety/panic attack in about 4 months. It blew in like a crazy storm and then faded out just as quickly, and then the anxiety mildly rained on and off the rest of the day like a summer afternoon. I felt a need to write out exactly what was going … Continue reading anatomy of a panic attack
I do not need resolution for mental conflict
There is conflict, I feel it raging within. It is an empathy for others, and for myself. It is all out war and it can be exhausting. And then, a grand revelation: I don't have to pick sides. Chaos will tell me that if I just pick an opinion, pick a side, make up my … Continue reading I do not need resolution for mental conflict
the pains of the past
Do the pains of the past ever stop hurting? Does one ever "get over" anything? Is there a way to process something to where it never again rises up and seeks to destroy you? I go through this process every cycle and now it's just starting to feel like torture. Because it's the same old … Continue reading the pains of the past
grace in the night 