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I do not need resolution for mental conflict

May 17, 2019 / Grace Lucille / Leave a comment

There is conflict, I feel it raging within. It is an empathy for others, and for myself. It is all out war and it can be exhausting. And then, a grand revelation: I don't have to pick sides. Chaos will tell me that if I just pick an opinion, pick a side, make up my … Continue reading I do not need resolution for mental conflict

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Is she pregnant??? Naw girl, she just 1 year postpartum after baby number 4. I was supposed to start a DR/PP specific ab-rehab program several weeks ago, but sickness and general autumn overwhelm had me delay. I'm starting to feel a bit better these days and I look forward to starting this program soon and regain some core stability/strength. Baby number 4 was the biggest and really took a toll on my body. I might have an easier time accepting my cute lil belly if abdominal pain, back pain, and constantly pissing myself wasn't related to it. How come nobody told me about any of this before I had kids? Was I just not listening???

After weeks of leggings and layers, I decided to dress up. I thought I looked pretty so I decided to take a picture. And because I like sharing pretty things, I wanted to share this picture. If only it could be that simple. I'm triggered just thinking about posting this. I've been conditioned to not draw attention to myself. There's voices in my head screaming that posting a picture with such obvious boobage (thank you babies, can't pull it off without you) is absolutely inappropriate, and that it reveals some deep awful desire for attention, particularly sexual. And for the first time, I'm asking myself why desiring attention is wrong in the first place. I grew up a female in the Evangelical "purity culture" (btw, there's many different flavors of it). We were told in so many ways not to draw attention to ourselves. We were always one little clothing discretion or flirty comment away from being a "stumbling block" for the men in our lives, and I don't know about anyone else, but feeling I may jeopardize another person's spiritual walk was terrifying and is still a deep source of shame and fear. Me and others have been hounded by the modesty police in many ways, from receiving "encouraging" notes from church members to be mindful of the way I dress and present myself (because I'm a role model after all) to blunt letters from neighbors who want the husbands and fathers to put a halt to the loosening clothing standards of their wives and daughters. The message has always been clear: DO NOT DRAW ATTENTION TO YOURSELF. I never learned how to flirt and was completely terrified of talking to any guy I had a crush on. I was terrified of leading men on. Anytime I found out a guy was interested in me I felt a mixture of nausea and fear at the realization that they were most likely having sexual thoughts about me. I wanted to shrink and disappear because sexuality felt so threatening. Attention, of any kind, was bad. Any attention that came my way was to be immediately redirected to God somehow.... (continued in comments)

LOL I just threw in "c'mon, tell me Brene!" and I'm giggling like a dork. The fact that it rhymes makes me want to actually include it. This song is a commentary on our current healing trends/ideas and having the Brene reference is fitting but not sure if I truly want to date this song to our current times. This song is beating the crap out of me on the composition front. God of music, help me out here. For the record, I love Brene Brown.

An astonishing number of my songs began as my fingers randomly dancing upon the keys until something sounded interesting rather than discordant. Here's a little something my fingers came up with tonight. Will I turn it into a full song? Who knows.

Do you ever have versions of yourself that sorta haunt you? This picture from 2017 is it for me. A vision of the ghost who troubles me these days. Maybe I'll sing her a song about how beautiful she is. A lullaby for a very confused and desperate woman who doesn't understand what love is. I know, I know, I've been there girl, I was you once. Go to sleep darling. Dawn will eventually break and we'll see clearly in the new light of day. It's alright, you can stay with me tonight.

@mswjake is one of my favorite IG accounts right now. He's put into words feelings and concepts I've been struggling with but could never quite comprehend or make sense of on my own. The difference between his posts and that of others I follow (or books I read, etc.) is that reading his posts actually make me feel less alone. Loneliness is a killer and I'm concerned we keep feeding it with so many of our ideas of "healing". For me, I've always seen connection as the goal... after all, what else is there???

Most of my posts are made while nursing the babe. Any time I work with a headache I feel like I deserve a trophy hahaha. I have a hard time getting out of myself whenever I'm in pain, I sorta shrivel into myself. It's really really really hard to engage with anything when I don't feel well. I had a headache today and decided to just go crazy and rearrange/tidy the dining room/kitchen space and start the process of creating a little craft/school station for the kids. I tend to get really bitchy when I work during pain but I wasn't so bad today. I also decided to wash all the laundry (putting it away is another story, sshh). Figured it was also time to wash the pile of Robert's wool things that have been sitting in a basket for longer than I dare tell you. They need to be handwashed. It's good sometimes I'm so stupidly impulsive because I would not have started that project if I knew how insane it was. Way too many wool sweaters. Wash in the bathtub. Holy crap how am I supposed to wring them out?! My arms are killing me! And the wonderful news is that they STILL have that terrible smell from storage. I'm saying it right now, I hate high maintenance clothes. If I have to special wash something, forget it. I already tried to convince Robert to get rid of half of these sweaters (the ugly ones). If he wants to keep and wear them, he can wash them himself from now on. And that's how we'll maintain a happy marriage. Bahahahahaha Anyways, really want to get back to finishing all my half painted ceilings. I feel like this winter will be the time to FINALLY get more of house organized. I have a feeling I've hit a turning point in my health right now and that I'll be doing better for a spell. We'll see. But a paintbrush will definitely find its way into my hand this week. I probably still have a headache but I can't really tell.

It's the end of an era. These markers came from my own childhood but they barely stood a chance with my two kids. Saying goodbye to all the dried up beat up old markers. I couldn't throw them all away before getting a shot of a few. Sharing for my family :)

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