just a mirror

August 7th, 2017

God bless the Positives:

The motivational speakers, the encouragers, the deep quote repeaters, the sunny smilers, the overcomers and rise-abovers

God bless them.

I am not one of them.

I’m the moon who goes through her phases, where light is overcome by shadow, and where shadow eventually gives way to light… but the shadow always comes back and there’s no conquering it. You just deal with it.

I’m a depressing song that doesn’t end on a hopeful note, because sometimes pain needs to be felt and expressed without distraction and the desperation to look away and move on.

I’m the wound which never goes away, the scar where humanity was cut from the side of the divine and has been blindly searching for home ever since.

I’m not a vision of your grandest expectations, a role model of the super human version of yourself you would like to be.

I am nothing but a mirror, and I can only show you who you really are: light and shadows, good and bad, beautiful and ugly.

In all of you I find pieces of myself, and as far as anyone else is concerned, that is who I am: a reflection of you.

Accept it- you are who you are and that’s all you’ll get from me. Positive? Negative? Interpret your own definitions. I’m just a mirror.

***

This is something I wrote two years ago that I could never quite bring myself to publish. It’s just been sitting in my drafts folder all this time, complete and uncertain.

I think I had to wrestle with this idea for a while. And even now, when I’m *generally* doing better and I’m *generally* positive about myself and life, I can see that this remains true.

It’s not quite what it was. Back then I was lamenting my belief that I had no personality of my own and was merely a puppet of forces outside my control, or a sponge who simply adopted the quirks and traits of other people. That’s not entirely true.

But this is true: I am your mirror.

Here’s the thing: we are all mirrors for one another because we do not perceive others as they truly are- we perceive others as we are.

I do think, however, that I may have more of a mirror personality than most, because I do tend to absorb/reflect other people AND I am willing to expose myself. I feel the exposure is part of my life’s calling. I’m meant to work out my stuff and let others witness, for in seeing my process, others can recognize their own. We all want to see ourselves reflected back at us. To see ourselves in another helps us cope with our human experience.

I am not a super human. I will never write a book about living your best life or becoming the best version of yourself, I’ll never try to sell you some 10-step program you can purchase online that will give you the secrets to attaining perfect peace and realizing all your personal goals. That’s not me. And frankly, I don’t trust those people. I don’t trust people in authority positions who can’t be real about their struggles, because we ALL have struggles. And I don’t mean someone who says, “I used to have ___ problem but I have since resolved it doing ____”. No, I want to hear people who say, “I struggle with _____ and here’s what I do to manage it because it is a weak spot for me that still crops up at times.” That’s someone I can trust. At this point, I don’t really believe we ever fully resolve our problems. Because life is one gigantic problem our egos want to solve and we’ll never be without an ego because we need ego in order to simply exist in human form. Life is always going to have struggle, and we typically struggle with the same things over and over again.

I’ve come to accept (at least I’m trying to) that this human experience is difficult. We can pretend or theorize that it shouldn’t be, but you and I do not live in an idealized utopia where we have all been born into completely healthy families and we only learn healthy behaviors. Nobody has EVER gotten this whole human thing down perfect (we can argue about Jesus) so we don’t even have a perfect model for all healthy human behavior (Jesus may have been perfect but we have very limited data of his life so his example can only help so much- plus he was a male Jewish bachelor, so he can’t model what a white female stay at home mom should look like, for example). We’re all still trying to figure out this whole human thing, even while society and everything keeps changing around us.

I can never be an authority on healthy living. I am simply a fellow human who struggles just as much as you do. All the spiritual enlightment in the world still doesn’t change the fact that my family often irritates me and getting sick really sucks and I frequently wonder if this life is really worth it.

“Before enlightenment: chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment: chop wood, carry water.”

I’m just like you. I’m your mirror. I’ll show you what joy and happiness looks like as well as grief and pain. I’ll reveal to you strong points and weak spots. I’m high and low, dark and light… I’m a wide spectrum. And so are you.

Welcome to humanity.

***

I wrote the above commentary this past summer. I had come across the “reflector” personality in the Human Design system and it sounded exactly like my “just a mirror” draft. I’m not so sure what I think about the Human Design system in general (especially given that it’s calculations are based on outdated astrology), but the reflector type describes me so well. These are my favorite two articles describing the type:

https://www.interiorcreature.com/interior-creature-human-design/2018/5/30/an-intro-to-human-design-the-five-types-reflectors

https://www.geneticmatrix.com/human-design-reflector/ (part of what this author writes doesn’t quite resonate but for the most part it’s an accurate description for me)

5 thoughts on “just a mirror

  1. I agree with much of what you said until I got to the “Jesus” part. If you really knew Jesus you would know that what you believe about Him is a lie. He is God. He is love. He is everything we need to fill the void and emptiness in our human souls. God’s Word from beginning to the end tells us all about Jesus and how to get to know Him by simply believing in Him. He helped me raise my son when my first marriage fell apart. He healed all the brokenness in my life and sticks to me like glue in this crazy journey that sometimes doesn’t feel worth getting up for. He holds me when I cry. He forgives me when I screw up. He gives me the strength to carry on. Me. A stay at home white senior citizen that trembles and fears the unknown but knows that God will take care me till I close my eyes in death and open them in heaven, the perfect home, the perfect eternal life He promised me. Jesus. He’s not just a good man that walked the earth. He’s not a bachelor. He’s the Son of God.

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    • Thank you for sharing your heart and experience. I have had similar experiences myself in my relationship with Jesus since I was 15 (I’m 30 now). What you shared does not actually contradict what I wrote. I think you missed my point. My point was having actual examples of healthy human behavior to look at and emulate. For example, trying to make specific in-the-moment decisions as a parent trying to raise my child in the best way. There were no smart phones or tv or pesticides back in Jesus’ day and he also was not a parent in his earthly life… so the Bible does not show me exactly what Jesus would do in my specific situation because he never was in my specific situation. That doesn’t mean he cannot guide me to healthy behavior through the help of the Holy Spirit, it’s just that I have no concrete examples as a template to follow. I hope that makes sense.
      To get a better understanding of where I’m coming from, you can read my short blog post on Mother God: https://gracelucille.com/2019/01/17/mother-god-exploring-the-divine-feminine/

      I would also like to state that it’s unfair to say that what I believe about Jesus is a lie because you don’t actually know what I believe about Jesus or how I have experienced him. I respect and honor your experience with God/Jesus and I ask that you not assume to know of or dismiss my own.

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      • Thank you for your honesty. I’m sorry I misjudged your relationship with Jesus. No one has the right to judge what others believe and I try not to do that. I just believe that Jesus does know and understand everything we go through. We can’t put God in a box. He’s too big for that. How can He help us if He has never walked there before? He knows pain we will never know. He knows abandonment like we will never know. When He hung on the cross, God turned His back because He couldn’t bear to see the sin and shame of the world. So how can you say that Jesus doesn’t know when He knows and feels all things? We don’t know the mind of God, at least, I don’t.

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      • This is when we run into the perplexing puzzle of Jesus being God and what that actually means. You’re describing the divine/God aspect of Jesus, which I totally agree with and generally accept. But we’re leaving out the human side of Jesus. Jesus, in human form, was not a parent. He was Jewish, he was unmarried, and he didn’t live with a smartphone. During his lifetime in a human body, he did not experience the physical experience that I am experiencing right now. Maybe on some metaphysical level he has experienced all my feelings and emotions since he is God and all-knowing (and I surely know and believe he empathizes with me), but his human self did not live my human experience. Because he did not live my exact experience, the way he would handle it was not recorded for me to teach me. What would Jesus do in my *exact* situation? The Bible doesn’t say. So instead, I have to rely on the Holy Spirit, one third of the holy trinity/God head to teach me what to do. And trying to discern his voice from my own is the tricky part of life.
        So my point… there is no guidebook that explains in detail the right way to act in every possible life situation. Jesus taught us a lot of good things, as does the rest of the Bible. But not EVERYTHING. Which is why Jesus gave us the Holy Spirit, to fill in where the Bible/Jesus’ earthly teachings could not reach. And so life becomes a walk of faith, seeking to discern the voice of the Holy Spirit from other voices and yes, we are going to screw up a lot because we are not perfect. So there is no one perfect in this life to emulate. We just do the best we can with what we know.

        I’m not saying Jesus as God does not understand what I’m going through. I’m simply saying that Jesus as a man did not experience my life experience and so did not leave me an example to follow for every one of my life situations.

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  2. I kinda get where you’re coming from but not completely. I understand that Jesus was fully human and fully God. I know that He sent the Holy Spirit to lead and guide us when Jesus ascended into heaven. I know that God’s Word was written so that we can know how He wants us to live. I know that when my female soul is hurting and bleeding He knows how to fix it. He knows my thoughts. He knows my heart. He knows my pain. I don’t know how He knows, He just does. He’s God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. It took years for the three of them to come together for me, but at last, they did. I don’t have just a third of the pie, I have the whole pie. I don’t understand it all, how could I? What’s better, He doesn’t expect me to. He knows it would be too mind-blowing for me, so He gives me what I can handle.

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