August 7th, 2017
God bless the Positives:
The motivational speakers, the encouragers, the deep quote repeaters, the sunny smilers, the overcomers and rise-abovers
God bless them.
I am not one of them.
I’m the moon who goes through her phases, where light is overcome by shadow, and where shadow eventually gives way to light… but the shadow always comes back and there’s no conquering it. You just deal with it.
I’m a depressing song that doesn’t end on a hopeful note, because sometimes pain needs to be felt and expressed without distraction and the desperation to look away and move on.
I’m the wound which never goes away, the scar where humanity was cut from the side of the divine and has been blindly searching for home ever since.
I’m not a vision of your grandest expectations, a role model of the super human version of yourself you would like to be.
I am nothing but a mirror, and I can only show you who you really are: light and shadows, good and bad, beautiful and ugly.
In all of you I find pieces of myself, and as far as anyone else is concerned, that is who I am: a reflection of you.
Accept it- you are who you are and that’s all you’ll get from me. Positive? Negative? Interpret your own definitions. I’m just a mirror.
This is something I wrote two years ago that I could never quite bring myself to publish. It’s just been sitting in my drafts folder all this time, complete and uncertain.
I think I had to wrestle with this idea for a while. And even now, when I’m *generally* doing better and I’m *generally* positive about myself and life, I can see that this remains true.
It’s not quite what it was. Back then I was lamenting my belief that I had no personality of my own and was merely a puppet of forces outside my control, or a sponge who simply adopted the quirks and traits of other people. That’s not entirely true.
But this is true: I am your mirror.
Here’s the thing: we are all mirrors for one another because we do not perceive others as they truly are- we perceive others as we are.
I do think, however, that I may have more of a mirror personality than most, because I do tend to absorb/reflect other people AND I am willing to expose myself. I feel the exposure is part of my life’s calling. I’m meant to work out my stuff and let others witness, for in seeing my process, others can recognize their own. We all want to see ourselves reflected back at us. To see ourselves in another helps us cope with our human experience.
I am not a super human. I will never write a book about living your best life or becoming the best version of yourself, I’ll never try to sell you some 10-step program you can purchase online that will give you the secrets to attaining perfect peace and realizing all your personal goals. That’s not me. And frankly, I don’t trust those people. I don’t trust people in authority positions who can’t be real about their struggles, because we ALL have struggles. And I don’t mean someone who says, “I used to have ___ problem but I have since resolved it doing ____”. No, I want to hear people who say, “I struggle with _____ and here’s what I do to manage it because it is a weak spot for me that still crops up at times.” That’s someone I can trust. At this point, I don’t really believe we ever fully resolve our problems. Because life is one gigantic problem our egos want to solve and we’ll never be without an ego because we need ego in order to simply exist in human form. Life is always going to have struggle, and we typically struggle with the same things over and over again.
I’ve come to accept (at least I’m trying to) that this human experience is difficult. We can pretend or theorize that it shouldn’t be, but you and I do not live in an idealized utopia where we have all been born into completely healthy families and we only learn healthy behaviors. Nobody has EVER gotten this whole human thing down perfect (we can argue about Jesus) so we don’t even have a perfect model for all healthy human behavior (Jesus may have been perfect but we have very limited data of his life so his example can only help so much- plus he was a male Jewish bachelor, so he can’t model what a white female stay at home mom should look like, for example). We’re all still trying to figure out this whole human thing, even while society and everything keeps changing around us.
I can never be an authority on healthy living. I am simply a fellow human who struggles just as much as you do. All the spiritual enlightment in the world still doesn’t change the fact that my family often irritates me and getting sick really sucks and I frequently wonder if this life is really worth it.
“Before enlightenment: chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment: chop wood, carry water.”
I’m just like you. I’m your mirror. I’ll show you what joy and happiness looks like as well as grief and pain. I’ll reveal to you strong points and weak spots. I’m high and low, dark and light… I’m a wide spectrum. And so are you.
Welcome to humanity.
I wrote the above commentary this past summer. I had come across the “reflector” personality in the Human Design system and it sounded exactly like my “just a mirror” draft. I’m not so sure what I think about the Human Design system in general (especially given that it’s calculations are based on outdated astrology), but the reflector type describes me so well. These are my favorite two articles describing the type:
https://www.geneticmatrix.com/human-design-reflector/ (part of what this author writes doesn’t quite resonate but for the most part it’s an accurate description for me)