Do I Control My Life?

I don’t believe we have full control of our destiny. We aren’t in complete control of our lives. There is some greater power at work that keeps pulling strings along the way.

But I also don’t believe we have no control. I don’t believe everything we do is orchestrated by unseen forces and that we are merely puppets with no decision making power of our own.

I believe it’s a mixture of both. We are influenced by higher powers and we also have a great deal of personal choice.

But don’t ask me where the line is. I have no idea. Personally, I feel like my life tends more towards the “unseen powers pulling the strings” more than “I can shape my destiny” thing. I’ve wrestled with it back and forth. Every single day I wake up and have no idea how much I get to decide for the day or how much is going to be decided for me.

I try to refrain from putting deep meaning into a lot of circumstances. I’m done seeing “signs” everywhere I turn. But sometimes, the same sign shows up over and over and over again. The repetition convinces me I’m dealing with more than mere coincidence.

When I pull a card from my Mother’s Wisdom deck, about 50% of the time I pull the Snake card. I’m not exaggerating. Randomly pulling the same card out of a 52 card deck half the time is more than interesting coincidence. That’s a sign. Something greater than me is orchestrating this for some reason. Today I felt so distinctly led to choose the card that I did, even though initially I was going to choose a different one. I was compelled to pick this card… and I flipped it over to see Snake. What is it that keeps guiding me to pick this same card over and over again?

I don’t have an answer. I don’t know what it is and I don’t know why. I’m feeling dense and clueless. I’ve read the writeup for Snake so many times I have parts of it memorized. I don’t know what I’m missing. At first I just thought it was cute and funny, but today I’m just feeling bewildered.

I’m going to keep pondering it, and then let it go. Answers arise. How deep do I really have to dig? Or are answers like worms that come up on their own when the rains come pouring down? Should I seek rain? What rains would make my answers arise?

Despite what it sounds like, I haven’t actually spent much time or energy on the Snake card. I just wanted to use it as an example.

I’m not a normal person. I’m just gonna put that out there right now. I do normal people stuff and have normal human problems, etc. But I’m really quite different from most of the population. I keep trying to find more people like me but I haven’t been very successful. My life operates according to a rhythm that I have no control over. I don’t know how to explain that to people.

Too many people have abused so many of the labels I fit and traits I naturally carry. For example, too many traumatized people say they are empaths only to discover that their behavior was really just a weird dysfunctional coping mechanism. Then the whole idea of being an empath gets pooped on and labeled merely a dysfunctional behavior. But the truth is that they were never empaths to begin with. It’s not some behavior you learn or eventually heal. It’s a design. My body is designed to pick up on all the energies I come in contact with. There’s a purpose for it, and I have my theories, but it means that I have to live my life in a very different way than other people. It’s actually very annoying and rather limiting (for now at least) and often isolating for several reasons but the biggest reason is that most other people just can’t relate to my situation. If they can’t relate, then it’s easy to dismiss my unique situation.

And that being said, I honestly don’t know how much of my life is truly within my control. All this talk about “boundaries”, like it’s just that simple (except we all know it’s hard), it just gets exhausting. So much wants to express itself through me, but I have no idea if it’s my own desire or not. Am I moving through my own stuff or does this belong to someone or something else? And if it be the latter, how much choice do I really have with it? Does it truly serve me? Does it serve others? If my life is meant to be in service to others (which, after much debate, I’m beginning to believe again), when and where do I draw the boundary lines?

I don’t feel I was taught to say no. I still don’t know if I have a right to say no. Growing up in Evangelical Christianity, you are taught and expected to give your life over to God. You are not your own. You sacrifice everything to do God’s will, no matter the cost. You are a vessel, to be used for God’s purposes. To say no is to deny God and to deny your very purpose and existence.

I don’t know if I can say no. I’ve tried taking my life back but Jesus keeps showing up and I don’t know what to do with him. It’s not just Jesus. He’s just the one I’m most familiar with.

How much of my life is in my control? How much of my life is being controlled by higher powers? When can I say no? When can I call the shots? When do I get to write the songs I want to write or am I slave to sing the sad tunes of Orpheus forever? Is there a real me under all these layers of mutiple personalities and archtypes? Who do I get to be? Do I have a choice?

It’s been a hard day. When the days are hard for what appears like no real reason, I find myself wanting to wrestle and argue with the Divine, to complain that this shit isn’t fair. It never goes anywhere. Who can win an argument against God? On the other hand, am I truly arguing with God or with myself? Will I ever be able to distinguish between all the various voices?

Perhaps I shall dream of answers tonight. It happened to rain as I was writing this. Will worms come up? Will answers arise? What will the moon reveal tonight? Today was one Hades of a day. Pluto is no longer considered a planet but he still affects my world.

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