Part 16 of my spiritual journey series.
In October of 2015, I decided to take the homeopathic remedy Phosphorus 1M. I had no idea what I was doing. I knew this remedy had something to do with openness/boundaries, and I was trying to be more open to myself and spiritual direction. I’d only taken the remedy one other time, immediately after the birth of my second child, as I’d read it might help with post-partum hemorrhage.
So I took it. Didn’t notice anything. Went about my business for the day.
That might I had one of the more profound dreams of my life. I met myself. Well, sorta.
I’m not going to share the entire dream, only the relevant parts:
I was in a long room and I saw a figure at the other end with a towel over his/her face walking towards me. I knew that this was me- I was about to meet myself. So we walked toward each other and when we met, the towel fell away and it turned out to be my husband. A little confused, I asked him if I was appearing as him because it would freak me out to see myself staring back at me? He shrugged.
And then I “woke up” into another dream. I was completely convinced I was actually awake. I was in bed at night looking out the window, and the moon was incredibly huge and beautiful, and it was quickly passing by the window. I shouted to Robert to come look at the moon… but then suddenly my vision turned into a large landscape of purpley shapes, and I had the impression I was viewing my own cells or bacteria. Then the vision cleared and I saw the moon passing out of sight, and I called out to my husband, “I was wrong- it’s not the moon, it’s me.”
My dream then returned to the long room, and I turned around to see a very old man looking at me, and for some reason I cannot explain, I was terrified and screamed, waking myself up.
This was such an interesting dream, and makes more sense as I look back and consider everything I’ve gone through. This entire dream was about meeting and knowing myself. In particular, I think it represents my animus, my masculine half. Everyone has both a masculine (animus) and feminine (anima) side. Both of these aspects need to be honored and expressed. I had suppressed my masculine side during my marriage, instead trying to fit some narrow mold of femininity and womanhood, and what it means to be a wife and mother. I came to depend upon Robert far too much instead of developing my own masculine traits and rounding out my own character development.
But I didn’t know all that at the time. I was actually smacking myself over the head for being too wimpy to truly see myself and substituting the image of Robert for my own. Yet, as I know now, the true essence of who we are is infinite, and therefore, unknowable in finite terms (such as a mere image of myself in the mirror). I think the symbolism of the moon and the purple cells/bacteria represent this. It may be easier to truly see and know myself by looking at everything else as well. Am I the moon? No. But there is something of the moon which I am. The moon represents certain aspects of myself, as does the very cells and bacteria that construct my physical existence. Am I my cells? No, I am something beyond the cells, but the cells do represent part of who I am.
Look, this is a bunch of philosophical deep end stuff that I was just beginning to fall into. Do I need to ramble on about it here? I’m really jumping too far forward in my story.
Suffice to say, I was realizing that I didn’t know myself. I didn’t know just who I was. And it’s an appropriate response/awakening to the medicine of phosphorous. This constitutional type is often ungrounded and takes on the personalities of those around them.
Homeopathy is a contraversial subject and I don’t expect to convert anyone to my way of thinking. But for those who believe it’s complete quakery and has zero effect, please consider the rest of my story:
The day after I took phosphorus and had the dream, I started having some intenstinal cramping. It got worse in the evening. The next day it was worse and finally turned into diarrhea. I then had diarrhea for 2 days straight, going to the bathroom every one to two hours. I was so miserable and didn’t know what was going on. I was the only one dealing with it.
I looked up homeopathic remedies for diarrhea and decided to take Arsenicum. I started to feel a little better. But as the evening came on, the diarrhea picked back up again. While I sat on the toilet for the hundreth time, replaying everything in my mind, I had an epiphany and blurted out, “It’s the phosphorus!”
I got back to the bedroom, took another dose of Phosphorus 1M, and IMMEDIATELY my belly settled down. I was awash in relief. I broke down sobbing as I had another epiphany in that moment regarding something else in my life, the very issue I was seeking direction on, which was the whole reason I took that remedy to begin with!
I had a few more bowel movements after that, containing way more than before and yet not irritating, and then it was over. No more indigestion, cramping, or diarrhea. I SLEPT, in peace.
I’m pretty sure what I experienced is considered a “homeopathic aggravation“. In simple terms, that particular remedy fit my constitution so well at that time, that it had such a powerful affect on me that my body had trouble keeping up. It’s possible the dosage was too strong and that’s why I reacted so strongly (plus, I’m extremely sensitive). The only way to “antidote” it was to take another dose, which cleared the physical crisis immediately. My theory is that Phosphorus was the correct remedy for me, as it positively shifted me internally on what could be considered metaphysical/spiritual level. However, the original dose may have been so strong that I basically overshot the mark, causing the distressing symptoms, and the second dose brought me back to equlibrium, but now in a better place overall than before.
That being said, I have never since had such a dramatic response to a homeopathic remedy. I have never had distressing physical side effects except for this one time. I’ve had many more profound experiences with Phosphorus, all positive. It has been a great teacher and healer for me. I am starting to think it may be my general constitutional remedy, considering my initial dramatic response, and the fact I’ve used it with more success than any other remedy. It seems to be the remedy I have resonated with the most over the last several years. I’ll be sharing more of these experiences later on.
To wrap this up, I like to think of my experience with Phosphorus as my initiation into knowing myself. I feel it primed and prepared me for what lay ahead…
Next in the series: A foreshadow of personal rebirth on the 2015 winter solstice.