Oooooook you guys. I’ve had a rough several weeks and I’m just trying to pull myself and my home life back together. I know I said I was going to start blogging again come new moon, but I’ve had an intense few days and the last thing I want to do right now is start blogging again. Part of me is also putting it off because my voice has not fully recovered from the sore throat/cough I had and I have songs I want to share with my upcoming blog posts. I’m just feeling frazzled with everything I’ve been trying to do lately.
To sum up my life in a nutshell, I am burdened with a deep sense of purpose. Either I’m floundering in existential despair, seeking whatever my purpose is, or I can’t keep up on everything I feel my purpose entails.
Two years ago I wasn’t really doing anything. I was taking long walks in the woods, yelling at God, writing insane amounts in my journal, contemplating the absurd idea that I might be an alien, and pretty much not engaging with the outside world. Which is what I needed then. I didn’t want to owe anything to anyone because I couldn’t figure out who the heck I was to begin with.
Now I’m starting to find my feet and I can’t keep up with myself. The moment I really start to engage my purpose, I’m completely flooded. There’s so much to do. So many people to keep up with. So many songs to be written, so many written songs to be recorded, so many stories and writings to be published, so much artwork begging to be created and shared… all on top of taking care of my family AND myself, still trying to navigate my own inner terrain and seeking deeper levels of healing because I still have lots of issues that are constantly being triggered.
I feel this constant pressure to keep up with the insane overload of stuff that wants to come through me. If I don’t engage, I become depressed and angry. If I do engage, I become exhausted… and angry. I’m angry a lot, hahaha. Where the heck is that sweet spot of keeping up with the flow??? I can’t shut it off or I’ll just get backed up and eventually explode (you don’t want to be around for that). But I completely wear myself out trying to keep up with it all.
WILL THE GODS JUST SLOW IT ALL DOWN FOR ONCE?!?! Which only brings up a lot of other issues that I can’t even explain right now because you don’t yet have the backstory to understand because I’ve been so overwhelmed that I haven’t gotten a chance to share it yet!!!!
-long, deep breath… exhale-
The world is not falling (psych… this world is always falling apart)(ps, does anyone use the word “psych” anymore?).
I look outside right now and it’s snowing (thanks a lot, Maine). The snow is tiny and gentle, and everything seems so calm out there. It’s so easy to get caught up in the chaos and activity of life that we forget everything exists in a perpetual state of stillness. I realize it’s an oxymoron- everything is constantly moving and yet everything is also completely still. There is a stillness to everything. There is a peace in the midst of every storm. I may be pretty crazy lately, but I remember when I couldn’t do THIS – sit here and watch the storm from an observer’s point of view. My experience is the storm, ok. But I AM the still point in the storm. Who I am cannot be moved, cannot shaken, cannot be controlled or manipulated, cannot be broken or torn apart. And the more I can sit back in this center and allow the flow without trying to control or place my identity in my feelings and reactions, the more peaceful and happier I’ll be. And, I daresay, more productive. Not necessarily churning out more quantity, but putting out higher quality.
Ok, I’m waxing extremely philosophical (and metaphysical) right now. I just wanted to tell you all that I don’t know when I’ll get back to writing my blog series about my spiritual journey. Right now I am pouring myself into my artwork because I’m having lots of feelings and I need to process them somehow. I’m trying to tidy and rearrange things in my home to maintain peace and order and joy. I’m trying to find ways to engage with my children and their endless supply of creativity. Everything is about creativity. We need to be open to new possibilities if we seek a different experience of life. Hit a road block? Stuck? We need to think more creatively.
I better end this post right now because it’s spiraling out of control (woo hoo! Just like life!!!) I feel like crap right now (I DO NOT handle dramatic temperature changes well) so I’m gonna take it easy the rest of the day. Might work on a new macrame later. Or I may hide under the covers and let the kids watch cartoons. Who knows?!
Here’s a pic of a happy little rainbow I made last week (there will be many more):
Ok, I’ll get back to the blog game when I can. Peace out.