In the summer of 2011, I had been married for a year and was pregnant with our first child. One day sitting at the computer, I realized something felt off about me, as if I’d lost some very fundamental part of myself. I had been rather numb without even realizing it and could hardly put into words what my sense of loss was. The best way I could describe it was to say, “I feel as if I’ve lost my sense of beauty”.
While I had made some remarkable improvements in my life, such as taking better care of my health and developing a wonderful relationship with the earth through walks and gardening, in other ways I was totally losing myself and my connection to my deeper creative self. Oh sure, I was exercising creativity in new ways such as knitting and jewelry-making and landscaping, and it was all very fun and satisfying, but my greater sense of creative flow suddenly stopped.
I now refer to 2011 as the year the music died. This became strikingly obvious as a couple years ago I started to compile ALL my poems and lyrics into one chronological collection (I’m still no where near done on that project!) and I could find no material from 2011. I think I eventually found one poem or song lyric, but that was it.
Although I was slowly coming more into harmony with nature’s cycles and rhythms, I was also largely cut off from my own spirit. On one hand, I was discovering my spiritual connection to nature and deeper spiritual rituals through the Torah, but I also set up lots of boundaries around the Holy Spirit and insisted that the Spirit only moved in particular ways that fit my narrow understanding of the Bible. I began to cut off from the unpredictable aspects of spiritual living because I needed to KNOW exactly where the Spirit was leading before I dared follow (that’s pretty much the complete opposite of faith). I was so paranoid of demonic deception and following “the wrong spirit”, so I think it became easier to just shut down awareness of my spiritual nature (which is where all my music comes from).
I had been numbing myself without even knowing it, and I can’t really blame myself for doing so. I experienced so much emotional and physical trauma in 2009 that it was easier to block out the feelings that threatened to overtake me. I was just trying to protect myself.
However, my health was never quite right and my sensitivity to my surroundings only grew. While I became numb and unaware of my own feelings regarding myself and my past, I could not block out the spiritual atmosphere around me.
In March of 2012, we happened to visit a rather unconventional family one day. The moment we arrived on their property I felt uncomfortable. The very bizarre shape of the house itself set me off. The whole time we were there I felt myself dying to get away and I barely knew why. I still can’t tell you exactly why, only that I was picking up on some serious spiritual energy (good or bad? I don’t know) that was overwhelming me. When I got home, I started acting really weird and didn’t know why. For almost a week I was just not acting right and felt sorta paranoid, spacey, and anxious, and it was really starting to worry me. At one point during one of my spacey “she’s not all there” moments, Robert applied an essential oil blend called Valor to my feet. Suddenly it was like I came right back into my body and snapped out of my funk. I was able to identify the trigger of my experience as being the visit from the week before, and I was super fascinated with this essential oil blend. It felt like magic! (Except I didn’t use the word magic back then because magic was evil, haha). I suddenly remembered one other time I’d had the same experience. One day when I was pregnant and hungry, I started tuning out getting spacey, and Robert applied that same oil to my feet. I suddenly became alert and clear headed. I didn’t even register it at that time but now I remembered it and had a track record of impressive results with this essential oil.
That began my intense obsession with essential oils. I read everything about it that I could. I started falling in love with essential oils, and Cedarwood has been my favorite ever since I first had a whiff. I was mostly fascinated with the science of scent and how essential oils could be used for emotional healing. I was starting to become really interested in the non-physical roots of sickness, and 2012 was the year I dove into the subject.
Essential oils were truly the gateway for me to reconnect with my lost parts. It was the trigger that started me down an adventurous journey of self-healing and self-discovery. As soon as I started using essential oils, aspects of myself that had been asleep starting waking up (and some of those aspects weren’t very happy).
In the summer of 2012, after two years of living in a basement apartment of my in-laws’ home, our family moved into an adorable little house. For the first time I felt I truly had my own space. I was so excited and happy. I felt myself stretch out and expand and it was wonderful. That first week was so amazing…
And then all my suppressed feelings of the past two years and even earlier rose up and exploded out of me like a volcano. Suddenly, I had the space and privacy necessary for it all to come out. I was crying all the time, feeling so much pain I didn’t even know existed. I was also really angry. I had to start working through a lot of past issues that I’d been in denial about and things were pretty messy for awhile. It was difficult, but I knew it was necessary and good.
The best thing that happened was that I could hear the music again. I started writing tons of songs about the feelings I was processing. Lyrics and melody flowed through me again and it felt so good to reconnect with the spirit of music.
Here a couple songs I wrote during this time:
I was excited about what was happening. Even though it was hard at times to trudge through my emotional baggage, I felt so much freer when able to let things go. I embraced the process and could feel a new sense of personal power return to me. My whole soul was filling with great expectation over a great transformation that I was convinced was about to happen for me.
My obsession with essential oils continued, and during this time I explored a lot of different “New Age” healing practices. Although I was still a Torah-keeper and anti-pagan everything, I was at least wise enough to know that just because something isn’t necessarily found in the Bible doesn’t make it untrue or evil. I knew “energy” was a real thing and that many healing practices associated with the New Age were real and effective and that for some reason weren’t explored by a lot of Christians. I was convinced these structures and these natural substances were apart of God’s grand design and that we needed to stop thinking they belonged solely to “woo woo” religions.
During this time I briefly learned about the 7 Chakras, or energy centers. This system comes from Hinduism and so I did feel a bit cautious in learning about it, but I kept an open mind. It wasn’t until I learned about Kundalini that I started to feel concerned.
I honestly don’t remember exactly how I came across it, but I learned about the “Kundalini Spirit”, and how it was connected to the chakras. Because there was a very real spiritual aspect to this “energy”, and I believed anything besides the Holy Spirit was probably not to be trusted, I began to assume that Kundalini was actually deminic. This suspicion was reinforced after reading stories of people going totally nuts after having a “Kundalini awakening”. Aparently back in the hippy days a ton of ungrounded spirit junkies looking for a spiritual high started purposefully activating their kundalini but unfortunately couldn’t handle it and went insane. I also stumbled upon a woman’s blog who’d had a kundalini awakening that was meant to help her become a healer, but she documented all these weird sensations and even pain that she experienced, especially in the back (the Kundalini energy rises up the spine and is often described as a snake). I simply couldn’t imagine how any of this could be good whatsoever (I somehow never came across any positive stories related to kundalini). I also listened to Christian discernment teachers claim that many Charismatic Christians who had weird displays of the Holy Spirit (uncontrollable laughing, repetitive noises, crazy dancing, etc.) were actually possessed with kundalini. All this paranoia really didn’t help me. I suddenly became suspicious of everything I’d been apart of and my own experiences. It was like seeing demons around every corner and in every leader in religious and secular structures.
Because of my paranoia and not wanting to get caught up in anything demonic, I prayed constantly that God would guide me through all my searching and protect me from evil. I needed healing and I trusted that God was leading me to what I needed. I felt I had a pure and sincere heart and that God knew I was trying my best to do his will.
I had an essential oils collection called “The Feelings Kit” that was specifically designed to assist in emotional healing, to help process and release old trauma. One of the oil blends is called “Harmony”, and part of the process is to apply this blend to all seven chakra points on the body. I felt slightly nervous about this, since kundalini was associated with these chakras. But I was convinced that God had led me to these oils and I couldn’t imagine how something pure he created (plant oils) applied to the body (which he also created) could possibly be evil. I’d heard wonderful stories of healing from these oils and this process and it seemed absurd that there could be even the slightest connection to the demonic. I used the oils and went through the process several times and did experience a lot of release and healing. But I still had an undercurrent of paranoia that I might one day awaken the kundalini, and so I prayed all the more.
At this point I’d like to emphasize that oftentimes the very things we fear the most are actually what we need in order to heal. We can stay afraid of the shadows and the dark caves, but that is where some of life’s most precious jewels are to be found. Oddly enough, during the same time I was terrified of having a kundalini awakening, my favorite saying happened to be, “that which you resist is what you need the most”. It took my own feared kundalini awakening years later to learn how to embrace the very things I resisted, and in doing so, find deeper healing.
And so, as I worked on clearing out old feelings and old patterns which no longer served me, I felt a deep personal awakening and transformation was right around the corner. Something big was coming, I just knew it.
I just couldn’t have imagined that this grand something on the way was going to be devastating tragedy…
To be continued.