Two years ago this week I experienced a spontaneous kundalini awakening.
I figured I’d just come right out and say it. This experience is really the whole reason I’m writing this series. It changed everything for me and divides my life into before and after. After it happened, nothing looked the same. I saw the world through completely new eyes, which was both terrifying and exhilarating. This was an experience I did not ask for, but was an answer to my soul’s deepest request.
A lot of you are probably wondering what exactly is a kundalini awakening. Honestly, you’re better off to Google it than me trying to explain it. A really brief explanation is that there’s said to be an intense energy that is coiled like a snake at the base of the spine, and when it is activated or awakened, through various means, will rise up the spine through the chakras (energy centers) and finally reach the crown where it merges with the universe and experiences total bliss… something like that. The idea is that it heightens spiritual awareness, helps with personal transformation, yada yada.
I’ll save the details of my experience for later. But right now I want to explain that this whole kundalini deal is not found within Christianity. Most other religions have a name and framework for this, but for some reason Christianity doesn’t. The closest concept I can think of is simply the indwelling of the Holy Spirit, or Moses’ serpent staff which was a symbol of healing.
Because it lacks a Christian framework, and invokes serpent symbolism (boo! hiss!), a lot of Christians think it is demonic, and that is what I myself believed… until it suddenly happened to me. It only took a few days of research and gut checks for me to finally accept that what was happening to me was actually good and holy. However, the after effects of this sudden awakening was like one seriously long exorcism as every shadow within me was ruthlessly exposed (so. much. drama.).
I was plunged into a “long dark night of the soul” where I was forced to confront everything I ever believed. My entire worldview and sense of self was completely obliterated and I found myself lost in deep void of nothingness. It was terrifying.
Yet at the same time, there was so much light pouring in. While I wrestled with my concept of God and determined he didn’t even exist, the true essence of God kept streaming in, keeping me afloat and opening my eyes to the grand beautiful mystery of what we call life. Audrey Assad wrote a song called “Irrational Season” that so poetically describes this paradox I found myself in:
It’s been two years now. I rejected much of my faith during that time but I have slowly been finding my way back to something I really feel I can believe in and operate within. But I don’t have an ending to this story. This blog series won’t end with, “And me and Jesus lived happily ever after”. I can’t sit here and confidently describe to you what I now believe because I still don’t know and I’m pretty sure I’ll end up changing my mind as soon as I write up a “statement of faith”. Faith is a constant wrestling match. Maybe it isn’t for you, but it certainly is for me and plenty others. I share my story not only for myself, but to give voice to others who also wrestle with their faith and don’t know how to express it without being condemned.
Truthfully I wish I could have written about this sooner. I wish I could have felt safe enough to share my experiences with others as they were happening. I was so terrified of being judged and condemned and being told I was possessed with demons, that I was deceived and being led astray (the church doesn’t have a great track record of dealing well with those who struggle). It has taken me all this time to gain the confidence to finally “come out of the closet”. I know that whether my story is accepted or rejected, I am ok. God loves me. Jesus loves me. Heaven rejoices over me and delights in who I am.
So tomorrow I will begin to share my story from the beginning. I’ll share about my first “born again” experience when I met Jesus at age 15 and how it completely changed me and altered my course in life.