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at what point

April 15, 2018 / Grace Lucille

How do you know
when you’ve reached your limit?
How long can you keep stretching
before you simply break?

At what point is penance neccessary?
And at what point, grace?

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It's a rough day. Crazy drop in temperature. Crazy headache. I'm like a fish flopping around on the beach. It's quite pathetic. I'm angry this is my life. I'm angry answers are hard to find (and always cost a lot of money).

Beautiful post on contradictions from @lisaoliveratherapy . I feel relief reading these words.

Yesterday I decided was good a day as any to paint more of the ceiling. The little one took an extra long nap which made a lot possible. I finished off the last section of the living room ceiling today (ok, I had Robert finish off the very last wee bit because I ran out of paint, the baby woke up, the kids were hungry, and I was sooo done painting!). It feels so momentous to get it done!!! The white primer makes such a huge difference and brightens up the room dramatically. I did some tidying and decor rearrangement and it feels so much cozier now (I actually googled OCD yesterday because I'm ridiculously fussy about my environment, yikes). I made the paper chain five years ago for my daughter's first birthday and miraculously it has held up really well. The dresser which serves as our entertainment center was savagely attacked by marker-wielding children over a year ago. I was never planning to paint it because it's so pretty but we can't get that marker off for nothing... so it will get painted some day (probably fushia, you know me). I'm especially in love with the little spot by the front door where I've hung my new orange hat (LOVE THAT HAT). The basket (thrift store find) stores our library books and my knitting. I've always had a plan to update that little table... sand down the top to its original wood color and paint the legs turquoise. I've almost started that project so many times. I need to make new curtains (though Robert assures me we have more important things to deal with, sigh). The current look is irritating me. I worked my butt off sewing those curtains and when they finally went up almost 3 years ago I was like meehhhhh, disappointed with how it looked. I've decided on solid colored curtains (probably a some shade of blue) that hang all the way from the top of the wall. These windows are so awkward. This cabin is awkward. But I love it and love making it ours :) Anyways, here's an unfiltered view of half our living room. The other half is the stove and our unsightly stairs that I just decided to paint rainbow (because, I'm me.)

Ok so this day is not going as expected. Anxiety blew in like a tornado and I calmed it down with a dose of the homeopathic Arsenicum 30x (does NOT contain any arsenic) and watching an episode of The Office (S2E1 "The Dundies", one of my favorite episodes). I'm feeling more chill now and honestly just want to make a bunch of stuff. I'll just feed the kids cereal all day if it makes them happy. I'd keep watching The Office except the toddler messed with the power strip and I'm at a loss because the keyboard is supposed to be blocking access to it, but I moved the keyboard weeks ago so I could paint the ceiling right there and I haven't gotten to it yet (I had to vacuum the ceiling first, an exhausting job). Mama life ain't no joke. Scratch that, there's a lot of jokes involved. My kids say and do the funniest things. They also cause me endless stress with their fighting and whining about what to eat. The toddler is everywhere all the time, I lock myself in the kids room with her so I can lay down without worrying she's going to hurt herself or destroy something. But it's great because I can get in a lot of reading that way. I've also had fun playing with my kids more. I figured out how to keep their room tidy lately, probably because I'm in there so much now. I've also figured out how to do some macrame in there as well. Their room is becoming the real hub lately. I'm actually enjoying it. Well anyway, not sure what the rest of this day holds, living minute by minute most of the time. I've been living in my Mighty Mother tshirt from @raisingtito , I love finally having some comfy feminine tshirts to wear rather than always stealing my husband's ;) Ahh will probably turn off my wifi rest of the day. I do that a lot. I'm far more intentional now with my internet usage. I've unfollowed a ton of people all over social media which has actually made me feel a lot better. I'm listening to my body instead of my mind and my body is saying it doesn't appreciate being constantly triggered, my ego can deal with its shadow side bullshit later, we need a break. Life is insane right now and yet somehow sunnier. That's the process of shedding the old to let the new come forth.

This post is to say a few things: 1. I finally repotted some plants that were in desperate need to be repotted. That poor snake plant has not been doing well and I hope these two remaining stalks will survive. 2. I was sooo excited and happy about getting this job done that it started convincing me I had energy that I don't actually have at the moment. I felt my mind start running away like wild horses with all the other things I want to complete and I could tell this was going nowhere good fast (an inevitable lead-up to epic nasty CRASH). I was finally able to realize the great distress/agitation I was starting to feel was my mind trying to convince my body to do what my body knew clear well it cannot do right now. And so I decided to sit here and write this out (instead of running around like a crazy woman) as a way to absorb, rather than spend, the particular energy I have right now. Getting these plants repotted feels sooooo good. I need to sit with that energy and let it *nourish* me instead of immediately spending it on some other activity. I need to *digest* this energy before it can possibly become usable energy. As a teenager I never thought basic living could be so complex. It all finally caught up with me and I'm having to learn an entirely new way to live. I'm happy. I've had a really really rough several months but I am truly happy. I know I'm heading in the right direction and I need to stop second guessing myself... things just take time and practice. There are no quick fixes (maybe, but I haven't found them yet). I'm learning what it means to be human. It's both more terrible and more marvelous than I could have ever imagined.

we're all just shadow

The Sphinx, Reimagined.

This is quite possibly the most beautiful collection of words I've ever been blessed to read. It is water to my ridiculously thirsty soul. Thank you @annelamott

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