This is the last official post of my recent blogging challenge. All day I haven’t had a clue what to write about. All day I’ve been wrestling with issues that I’m just not comfortable blogging about.
But right now, with very sore eyes from a day of sobbing (thanks, ovulation hormones), I am reminded of one of my favorite quotes, one I haven’t read or thought of in quite a while:
“Perhaps, after all, romance did not come into one’s life with pomp and blare, like a gay knight riding down; perhaps it crept to one’s side like an old friend through quiet ways; perhaps it revealed itself in seeming prose, until some sudden shaft of illumination flung athwart its pages betrayed the rhythm and the music, perhaps… perhaps… love unfolded naturally out of a beautiful friendship, as a golden-hearted rose slipping from its green sheath.”
-Anne of Avonlea, Lucy Maud Montgomery
It’s interesting to find myself ending this blog cycle with the same topic I started it with. It’s not surprising, considering that my menstrual cycle is currently synced with the moon, so I’m at the same stage hormonally as when I started this blogging challenge.
I wrote that original post about a Taylor Swift song that I instantly fell in love with. The song meant a lot to me when I first started listening to it, and I’m finding it to be some sort of foundation stone for me- which is super weird because I’ve spent years despising Taylor Swift. (Yet I’ve found over and over again that the things I despise or fear are the very things I need the most- I could probably write a whole book on that topic).
Romance is a very touchy and confusing subject for me. Once upon a time I thought I understood it. Now I realize how ignorant I truly am. Like so many things in my life right now, I’m having to reevaluate my understanding and experiences regarding the whole concept. I keep wanting to just start over with a blank slate, to wipe my brain clean of all previous notions and socially programed ideas. I want to approach it as a brand new human being, to let it be whatever it may be. I want to stop strangling it to death with my endless analyzing and expectations.
I wish I could stop thinking about it. I wish my heart would shutup. Nobody inside of me seems to know what’s going on. I just want to relax into what is so obviously right in front of me. But instead I find my heart and body tense and anxious.
In these moments of obnoxious and painful awareness, I reach out to grab something solid, and bits of songs and poems of the past come forward. I usually don’t know what the hell is going on, but there are a few things I do know. Some things never change, and those good things are worth holding on to. I know things don’t have to be this complicated, so I’ll try to sink into the simplicity of what makes the two of us the best thing that has ever happened.
“You’re my favorite place to hide and seek,
chest so strong, heart so meek…”
“There’s no song as beautiful
as the sound of our blended laughter
and no stars shine as bright
as the radiance that pours from our four eyes.
There’s no wall as strong
as our ten fingers locked together,
each one a steady lover
embracing the opposite other.”