the pains of the past

Do the pains of the past ever stop hurting? Does one ever “get over” anything? Is there a way to process something to where it never again rises up and seeks to destroy you?

I go through this process every cycle and now it’s just starting to feel like torture. Because it’s the same old stuff over and over again. I think I’ve processed something and come to peace about it, but then it springs up again a few cycles later as if nothing has changed. I feel the pain all over again and I’m scrambling to find that sense of resolution and peace I’d had before. I can’t quite make the distinction between disconnecting/dissociating from the pain and actually processing it to the point that it doesn’t feel so painful.

Is healing not at all what we think it is? When we think “healed”, we think, “It doesn’t hurt anymore.” If you’re still hurting, then how can you consider yourself healed? 

What am I supposed to expect? What is healing supposed to look like and how is it supposed to feel? Does healing simply mean I don’t let the wound control my life anymore? Does it mean I let it become a teacher as opposed to a dictator? Does the wound always stay a wound? Poisons can have healing properties. How do I turn my poison into a medicine? How do I heal my own wounds?

Because damn, it all hurts so fucking bad. 

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