to engage the madness or not…

It’s coming over me again. Oh boy. A whole lot of feelings coming up like a tsunami wave, seemingly out of nowhere. The anxiety knocks me over and I don’t know if I should try to stand or just lay here for awhile and hope it passes soon.

In the past year I developed a pattern in which every time I ovulated I ended up dealing with some heavy emotional shit. Old wounds would break open and all the feelings just oozed out. It was so predictable.

While incredibly intense and obnoxious, I think I was able to make some progress thru those emotional tsunamis. I was forced to deal with baggage that really needed attention.

Right now I have no idea what’s going on. I’ve been starting this tidal wave earlier and earlier, as I’ve been ovulating earlier and my cycles continue to shorten (BLEH!).

Although I often make some sort of overall progress thru my ovulation closet cleaning, I know that I’ve tended to go a litte crazy over it. I was pretty damn unstable last year. I’m over the existential crisis and I’m way better grounded now, so I’m trying to find a new way to handle this phase of my cycle.

My pattern has been to write pages and pages worth of my feelings and thoughts and explore every frickin detail of the issues that bug me. I follow every bunny trail trying to get to the bottom, and it becomes this exhausting and bizarre freak show of self-examination.

And I’m thinking… there’s gotta be a better way to do this.

After having way too many slap-my-forehead moments of absurdity in the past year, my most recent approach has been to avoid engaging any of it. Is it possible that things can clear up on their own? That instead of digging and digging until my hands bleed, the clarity I seek will simply arise on it’s own?

I’m feeling lots of things right now. I don’t want to think about any of it. If I think about it, then inevitably I obsess. 

The question is, is this something I engage or not? Obviously, I must acknowledge what I’m going through. But is this a healing process that needs my conscious attention? Do I need to do anything? Or can I just sit back and watch the storm pass? Can I learn through detached observation or must I throw myself into the midst of the driving winds and rains?

I’m too fucking tired to deal with it anymore. I think I’ll just spend the next few days watching my favorite tv show (Parks&Rec!) and wait for the storm to pass. Maybe my spirit can do its work without the rest of me getting in the way.

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