“You can hear it in the silence…”
You would call me all the time, and often there would be long periods of silence when neither of us had anything to say. We let the silence linger. Instead of deciding the conversation was over and hanging up, we stayed on the line. It’s not that we were waiting for anything, but we were simply in the moment, becoming apart of something that speech cannot convey.
The silence was not empty. It was not a starving need, a void desperately waiting for the fullness of voice to quell it’s hunger.
Rather, our silences were full. It was the type of silence that had it’s own voice, only it could not be heard with physical ears. It spoke of peace and understanding, of love and safety. It spoke of a lifetime that I could not yet comprehend.
In our silences, I felt something I did not expect. A familiarity, a connection I could not put into words, try as I may.
I knew something was happening.
“You can feel it on the way home…”
I was the last in line through security. We barely made it to the airport in time. I looked back through the clear glass panels and saw the backs of my two best friends walking away. I was leaving you behind. I faced forward again, making it through security, and began crying. I wasn’t someone who often cried in public, so this uprising emotion that caught my throat took me by surprise. I sat at the back of the plane and cried.
I was wearing the necklace you made. I was chewing the gum you gave me and smelling the cinnamon stick that is permanently your scent. As I quietly cried, I wrote in my journal. I wrote of how my heart was aching so much to leave you behind. I thought over the night before, how I held your hand until the morning light, and how we talked until the birds began singing.
It all happened so fast, it was all so unexpected. Now I was going home, but home was no longer home.
I knew something had changed.
“You can see it with the lights out…”
Sometimes I awake in the night, and look over at your sleeping form in the darkness. I think of everything we’ve gone through in the last several years, all the battles we’ve fought together, all the broken-hearted nights when love seemed like an illusion. I think of all the dreams that have slipped through my fingers, all the expectations which have fallen flat in the face of reality. I look at you and know- there is no way I could ever leave your side. You are and will always be the best friend I’ve sought for my entire life.
I stare at your face in the shadows, so calm and confident even in sleep. I don’t want to wake you, but I can’t stop myself from touching you. I need to feel you. I need to remind myself that you’re real, that you are here- that the man I share a bed with is the greatest gift I’ve ever received.
As I lay next to you, I can feel something, but I can’t quite put it into words.
“You are in love, true love”
I have never been able to write you a decent love song. All of it feels wholly unlike how I thought it should feel. You were the one I wasn’t expecting, the one who took me by surprise.
But there are those certain moments when I feel something… a small glimmer, a brief understanding of something much larger than I could possibly grasp. I look at you and realize in a fleeting and yet eternal moment of time…
I am in love with you.
“You two are dancing in a snow globe ’round and ’round
And he keeps a picture of you in his office downtown
And you understand now why they lost their minds and fought the wars
And why I spent my whole life trying to put it into words
‘Cause you can hear it in the silence
You can feel it on the way home
You could see it with the lights out
You are in love, true love
You’re in love”
-Taylor Swift, You Are In Love