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not the 99

August 16, 2017 / Grace Lucille

I am not the 99
I am the 1 who left your side
I’ve skipped town
and if you want me back
you’re gonna have to chase me down
break my legs, carry me back
So go ahead and do it
If you love me
here’s your chance to prove it
Otherwise
it’s just me
myself
and I
off to find
if the grass is any greener
on the other side

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from one full moon to another
health
love
mothering
music
my Spark Joy journey
my spiritual journey
personality
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Most of my posts are made while nursing the babe. Any time I work with a headache I feel like I deserve a trophy hahaha. I have a hard time getting out of myself whenever I'm in pain, I sorta shrivel into myself. It's really really really hard to engage with anything when I don't feel well. I had a headache today and decided to just go crazy and rearrange/tidy the dining room/kitchen space and start the process of creating a little craft/school station for the kids. I tend to get really bitchy when I work during pain but I wasn't so bad today. I also decided to wash all the laundry (putting it away is another story, sshh). Figured it was also time to wash the pile of Robert's wool things that have been sitting in a basket for longer than I dare tell you. They need to be handwashed. It's good sometimes I'm so stupidly impulsive because I would not have started that project if I knew how insane it was. Way too many wool sweaters. Wash in the bathtub. Holy crap how am I supposed to wring them out?! My arms are killing me! And the wonderful news is that they STILL have that terrible smell from storage. I'm saying it right now, I hate high maintenance clothes. If I have to special wash something, forget it. I already tried to convince Robert to get rid of half of these sweaters (the ugly ones). If he wants to keep and wear them, he can wash them himself from now on. And that's how we'll maintain a happy marriage. Bahahahahaha Anyways, really want to get back to finishing all my half painted ceilings. I feel like this winter will be the time to FINALLY get more of house organized. I have a feeling I've hit a turning point in my health right now and that I'll be doing better for a spell. We'll see. But a paintbrush will definitely find its way into my hand this week. I probably still have a headache but I can't really tell.

It's the end of an era. These markers came from my own childhood but they barely stood a chance with my two kids. Saying goodbye to all the dried up beat up old markers. I couldn't throw them all away before getting a shot of a few. Sharing for my family :)

I've discovered yawning to be a fairly effective strategy to warding off a headache. I wanted to this share this useful info, as well as this terrible picture of me. You're welcome (for both). #yawnwelcome ok feeling dang mischievous this morning, watch out yall

My most played songs of the year. I love Medicine Man! Such good feeelz. Also, I'm a little embarrassed by the Taylor Swift tracks making the top of the list. Given a couple more weeks I think Sara Bareilles "Orpheus" would get up here since I play it on repeat when life is beating the crap out of me. I discovered Bobby McFerrin's "Medicine Man" album at the beginning of the year and it's quite different from most of the music I listen to but it's sooo good. It really is medicine music. That man is a gift.

I feel like Scarlett who always said she couldn't think about it right now. She'd go crazy if she thought about it today. Said she'd think about it tomorrow. Tomorrow came and sure enough she dealt with it. "Afterall, tomorrow is another day!" I kinda feel like tomorrow never shows up for me. I just can't think about it now. And maybe not even tomorrow. Maybe someday. Maybe it's ok not to have a deadline. Maybe it's ok to not have a plan, a timeline, a goal. Maybe sometimes all that planning and intentioning actually distracts from the healing and just causes further harm, just compounds the problem of feeling like I'll never measure up... because I see the high and lofty ideal and the space between me and that is just so vast and overwhelming. Maybe it's ok to not be ok. Maybe it's ok to be a fucking mess, whether or not family and friends understand or agree or whatever. Maybe I'm beautiful in my mess, maybe I'm just fine as the disaster I am. Maybe what I or anyone else thinks is wrong is actually alright. I'm so tired of choking myself. I just want to let go of my own throat and sing, no matter how broken or filthy or inappropriate it sounds. I'm just gonna sit in my mess and stop acting like it needs to change. Maybe this isn't a mess afterall. Maybe it's just misunderstood.

OK give me your best anxiety-management tricks. Don't offer me longterm prevention/management advice, my mind can't deal with that today. Just stuff to do right now/today to help keep my raging anxiety at bay.

I'm in a LOT of pain right now. My neck has been hurting since yesterday. I've had one problem after another the last several weeks and I'm so worn down. Some things improve and then other things get worse. Right now this neck pain has me feeling miserable. Any prayers or encouragement you could send my way would be greatly appreciated. I'm having an incredibly difficult time lately.

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