I have this habit of sorta sabatoging myself all the time. I’m starting to wonder if I fell into this recent pit of depression for the sole purpose of blogging.
Scratch that. That makes no sense.
Either way, I’ve fallen into this pit and I’m not sure how to get out at the moment and honestly, I’m not even sure I want out. My apathy is that great right now. Apathy is always a little scary for me, since I live to feel everything. When I get apathetic, I get a little worred. Except that I’m apathetic and don’t really care.
Like an idiot, I question myself/God/universe/my bagel/the dishwasher (if I had one), “Why am I depressed right now?” as if there is one thing setting me off. And then I answer myself (because it would be weird if my bagel talked back), “Grace, it’s not one thing. It’s a LOT of things.” Ohhhh, right. Yeah. Everything is bothering me all at once.
But does it even matter?
I stare out my bedroom window at the field and see the tall stalks of grass gently bowing and swaying in the breeze, and time comes to a standstill. It hit me the other day as I wrote in my journal. I looked out the window, as I am doing right now, and found myself moving with the grass. I’m not in here, I’m out there. In here is grumpiness and sadness, and out there is freedom and stillness. Inside is stagnant and gross, outside is movement and grace.
It’s a moment of beauty in the midst of ugliness.
Ah, what is this feeling? What is this pulling? It is an invitation. An invitation to open up. An invitiation to engage the desires laying dormant within the soul. It is a tender fierceness which longs for me.
“What you seek is seeking you.” -Rumi
Love exists. It’s here, all around us. It never leaves. It is our own blindness which convinces us it is not here. And the fact that I can say this in the midst of feeling like shit only proves my point.
This is what I can be thankful for. That despite the deep darkness I find myself in, I can always find a light. Always. It has far more to do with Love’s relentless pursuit of me than my pursuit of her (Love is feminine in my world). She sneaks in when I least expect it. And yes Grace, go ahead and feel like shit. You’ll discover the greater purpose for it soon enough. But you better take a long moment to feel thankful for these moments of clarity and light. That gratitude is a tiny mustard seed of faith, and faith is all I’ve got.
These are my ramblings. This is the only way I process. And I’m glad to be blogging again, because getting my words out there is one of the greatest forms of therapy for me. Will my words help you? I don’t know, and honestly, that’s not my purpose in sharing. I share because I have to. Because I’ll go crazy if I don’t. It’s just an added benefit if it touches another in any positive way.
I have zero idea if this post will have any meaning to anyone else. But if it does, thank Love.