grace in the night

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July 5, 2017July 5, 2017 / Grace Lucille

How many people live inside of me?
How many pieces form my identity?
All my different parts
bickering back and forth
Some are hiding
Some are sleeping
And some just won’t stop screaming

I am both the orchestra and the conductor
I am both the cast and the director
And after awhile, it feels so overwhelming

I don’t know how to run this show anymore

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She's growing so fast. She's a wildfire that cannot be tamed. She's a jaguar on the hunt. And yet there's moments when she's a gentle breeze on a summer's day. There are times when she pauses, with me, and together we deeply drink the essence of one another - two female bodies and two female souls, dancing together in the complicated, breathtaking, heartbreaking, and revelatory relationship of mother-daughter. What do I pass on to her? What do I teach her, about life, and what it means to be a woman? She is 6 years old now. Six is the age I decided the world was against me. Only a few days ago I reverted into my six-year old self and it was hard to come back into my 30 year old body. I was wavering between 6 and 30 all week. This happens again and again. When you become a parent, you basically reparent yourself at every age your child is. Six feels a little scary for me. I want her to know that she's enough - there is no standard of too little or too much. She is perfect just as she is. I want to listen to everything that she wants to express because I'm still trying to hear my own six year old self. I want to teach her that her body is her own, to love and protect and enjoy. I want to teach her about how her body works, as I'm just now figuring out my own. I want her to live life completely shameless. But she must first see me live completely shameless so she knows how to. And it's a tall order. Everything I go through, the demons I face and the victories I barely win- it's not just for me. It's for her too... and her children, and her children's children, and so on. We are plotting a brave new course, we are redirecting the future, together. This girl shakes my world. I love her so.

Shameless selfiiiiiieeee cuz mama feeling goooood because ovulatiooooooon. I salute thee New Moon, I enjoy being on the same team. Hugs and kisses, good evening February.

I was feeling pretty bogged down last night. I had been so tired all day but so restless and unable to really relax or take a nap. At bedtime I was too full of too much. I laid there in my agitation and suddenly a passing vision of a lapis lazuli stone blew through my awareness. My brain is always overflowing with random visions but for some reason I caught hold of this one because it felt sooo random. Sometimes the more random a thought or vision, the more useful it actually is. I remembered I had a lapis lazuli within reach, in a small bag of chakra crystals meant for a macrame wall hanging one of these days. I opened up my little bag and pulled out the blue stone, as well as a tiny piece of driftwood I'd forgotten about. I love the feel of it in my fingers. So I laid back down with my little treasures in my dominant left hand with zero intention or ideas as to why I was holding them. Sometimes just the weight of holding something can have a grounding effect. Not even a minute later I felt all my energy/awareness shift. All the bogged-down-ness and agitation were replaced with a simple song lyric: "Sometimes all you need Is to just go to sleep". Hilarious, because I dumbly realized that I just needed sleep right then, but the new song coming thru was exciting and I tried hearing/writing more to it. But it was too difficult and I kept coming back to the only clear lyrics: "Sometimes all you need Is to just go to sleep. Leave your strivings at the edge of the bed Drop into your body, get out of your head." I let go and quickly fell asleep. There's a phrase that keeps coming back to me lately that I used to hear Hebrew Roots teacher Brad Scott say all the time: "People run to the absurd to escape the obvious." Sometimes, the obvious is just the basics: decent food, more sleep... the basic building blocks of life. There's always some new diet or supplement or health protocol or whatever that promises to fix our problems. But let's not ignore the obvious. Most of us just need to eat more regularly and get more sleep. I sure do. Point is, recognize when you're tired and don't psychoanalyze it. It doesn't matter "why" in the moment. Just get some rest.

Can't stop listening. Do you care? Prolly not. But I'm on the biggest John Reuben binge ever. I take back whatever I may have said or thought about some of his albums not being terribly great. I was so wrong. They are all good. All of them. How did I go 10 years and never listen to this album? God its good. Burn It Down, In the Air, and Everett are my favorite tracks. John Reuben will always be one of my favorite artists. He's stood the test of time for me. I'm still listening to him 15 years after I first started. Honestly, now that I'm thinking about it, he might be the only artist I'm still listening to since I was 16. He's been on the scene for 20 years and remarkably I love every one of his albums. His album The Boy vs the Cynic (my first real intro to him) is actually one of the most influential albums of my life. I was 16 and his thought-provoking lyrics gave me another way to see/question the world and influenced my own song writing. The older I get the more relatable his songs become for me. I frickin love John Reuben. "Oh my God of great goodness, is it possible just maybe I could write halfway intelligent lyrics and make music that people might possibly like? Is that possible?". Yes. Don't stop @johnnyreubonic

The color of my rose hips tea is sooo gooood. So happy to be drinking it again, I wasn't paying attention and ran out a week or so ago (and I flipped out because when I want my tea I REALLY want my tea). I've mentioned it before but this rose hips (plus hibiscus) tea is basically the only tea I tolerate. I really don't know how to explain just how special this tea feels to me, it makes me laugh. Roses are so healing.

THIS LOOK IS HOW I CURRENTLY FEEL ABOUT MY HAIR CONSTANTLY IN MY FACE AND IN MY WAY. I've spent the last two years growing it out and now I can hardly stand it. It's just. in. my. way. all. day. It's driving me crazy. I really wanted my long hair back because it's so pretty but I'm just not sure it's worth it anymore. It is legit contributing to my anxiety. Since I'm not in the mood to go full pixie short again, I'm thinking of finally trying some short bangs with the rest of my hair either shoulder length or probably shorter. I like having it just long enough to pull back. Or just chop it off to my chin. And if it all goes horrible then I'll just chop it all off because we all know I look good with a barely there pixie cut.

I'm starting to realize I like myself way more than I like most people.

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