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July 5, 2017July 5, 2017 / Grace Lucille

How many people live inside of me?
How many pieces form my identity?
All my different parts
bickering back and forth
Some are hiding
Some are sleeping
And some just won’t stop screaming

I am both the orchestra and the conductor
I am both the cast and the director
And after awhile, it feels so overwhelming

I don’t know how to run this show anymore

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from one full moon to another
health
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mothering
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my Spark Joy journey
my spiritual journey
personality
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I’m funnier on Twitter

for the visually curious

I just took a billion selfies (translation: 9) for the sole purpose of writing this post. I decided, after all that (my whopping 9 tries) to just use the first pic I took. Then I couldn't decide what filter to use, so I wasted a bunch of time on that to merely settle with my usual favorite. I'm sure there's some dumb lesson in this about overanalyzing crap or whatever, and I don't even know why I'm sharing all this. I simply wanted to put out a request of sorts: **Who wants to be my friend?!** I NEED MORE FRIENDS! Getting out of the house is difficult and near impossible for me right now, phone conversations are always hijacked by my curious children, but I'm pretty good with emails and chat because I can fit those in to my day here and there. I'm just starving for more connection with others, CONSTANTLY, for as long as I can remember. There's a massive lack of community/support in my life and I don't know how to meet that need. It's been very hard for me since I moved to Maine 9 years ago. It wasn't much, but I did have some semblance of a support system back home in Virginia. I haven't had much of anything here and it's been hard to communicate that. I'm a roller coaster emotionally/hormonally/physically, and I know I'd be a bit more stable if I had more people I could lean on. I spiral out pretty bad when I feel there's no one to talk to (my poor husband needs a break!). I don't know how to ask for help because I barely know anyone. This is my humble attempt to start something. If you live near or far, I'd love to make some new friends, we can blab to each other about anything. I'm a really good listener and it's hard to offend me. I may not always get back right away (I have three small children) but I do my best to keep in touch. If you want to be my friend (penpal?), go ahead and send me a message! This sounds kinda weird and vulnerable?? (PS, random dudes looking for ass, I'm married and not interested)

Finally sharing my review of the book, "Pure: Inside the Evangelical Movement That Shamed a Generation and How I Broke Free," by Linda Kay Klein. I give it 4 out of 5 stars. We desperately need this book to shine light on the serious problems within Purity Culture, to realize what many of us struggle with is not wholly unique and is actually part of a larger problem. This book is a conversation starter and helps us realize we are not alone. However, the writing format felt a little sloppy and confusing at times, and I picked up several punctuation errors which definitely got confusing. Most of these issues probably could have been avoided with better editing. This book is just a starting point. It merely names the problem, but unfortunately offers no real solutions to healing sexual shame. Despite the final section titled, "How We Get Over", I didn't feel like I read anything that explained or portrayed someone really healing their sexual shame and living in sexual freedom. I think the biggest reason for that is because this issue has only more recently been discovered to be an actual issue. We haven't figured out how to heal this yet. The author makes the point that Christian counselors/therapists are just too close to the topic and are blinded by their own religious views, and secular therapists tend to avoid the entire topic of religion in general. And so there aren't many professionals who know how to deal with this. Religiously-induced sexual shame is somewhat of a unique animal, and it looks like PTSD. It simply has no one triggering event to attribute it to- it's the result of years of conditioning, ideas both taught and insinuated. I personally exhibit all the same symptoms as someone who has been sexually abused, and yet I have never been sexually abused. I can't go back to some awful event in time and work on healing it. I don't have an awful event. I just have a lot of subconscious beliefs ingrained in me about sexuality and my body and what it means to be a woman. My body/sense of sexuality is running on this shame-program and I don't know how to change the operating system. (Continued in comments👇)

If I share this newfound revelation, will it suddenly become untrue? (Story of my life?! Ha) So, this year we decided, what the heck, let's try out this gardening method according to the moon. Different moon phases, what sign it's in, determines different things you do. If nothing else, it has helped me pace myself a bit more when it comes to gardening and given me some sort of structure to work with. (Also, let be known yet again that I do not abide by astrology's outdated astronomical calculations, I look up the accurate astronomical movements on my star tracker app.) Something fun happened along this journey. I discovered how my own system and personal rhythm is tied to the moon. I have noticed a pattern of becoming quite heavy and depressed and tired during earth days (when moon is in an earth sign) and then super perky and high and motivated during air days (when moon is in an air sign). This actually makes a lot of sense for me personally. All this time I've been associating so strongly with water and fire elements but turns out I'm actually way more of an air element. This became apparent when every Ayurveda dosha quiz told me I was Vata, air element. This came on the heels of writing about the homeopathic remedy phosphorus, which is associated with the air element, which has resonated with me so much. I'm all about movement and change (I'm flooded with inspiration constantly- wtf is a creative block?!) but then become exhausted by it all. Back to the moon- I was born with moon in Gemini, air sign. So I suppose I feel more "at home" when moon is in an air sign. Anyway, I've been desperate to figure out my insane life and it seems I have a deep relationship to the moon. Now, how to put this knowledge to beneficial action...? #airelement #vatadosha

St. John's Wort is popping up in all our wildflower patches on the property. Next year I plan to finally start studying herbalism and harvesting and using all these wonderful plants. I'm really quite smitten with the notion of using plants I grew or harvested in the wild for remedies, teas, etc. I'm gonna be a straight up medicine woman someday y'all. It will definitely be much later rather than soon, but it WILL happen. #stjohnswort #wildflowers #wildmaine #medicinalherbs #wildherbs

So happy to see black-eyed Susans popping up in the wildflower patch :) I've always loved these flowers, so happy. #blackeyedsusans #wildflowers #wildmaine

My five year old daughter took this picture of the delphinium blooms. The plant has fallen over (it's like 6 feet tall on a hill) and I haven't gotten around to staking it up. This plant was another gift and I know nothing about it, so I'm learning as I go. Beautiful color for sure! #delphinium #gardenergracie

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