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July 5, 2017July 5, 2017 / Grace Lucille

How many people live inside of me?
How many pieces form my identity?
All my different parts
bickering back and forth
Some are hiding
Some are sleeping
And some just won’t stop screaming

I am both the orchestra and the conductor
I am both the cast and the director
And after awhile, it feels so overwhelming

I don’t know how to run this show anymore

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from one full moon to another
health
love
mothering
music
my Spark Joy journey
my spiritual journey
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The Graceful Birch – artwork
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DAY "I've lost track" of #graciesfavoritethings : custom artwork by my dear friends. The lighting is poor in my bedroom, so I've done my best to edit the photos to look as true to life as possible. The first painting was done by my incredibly talented friend @thetealheron. She paints intuitively and this is what she made for me. It's rich with so much personal symbolism that she knew nothing of, only through the Spirit. It's so bold and colorful and I love it! It is a special piece of artwork I will treasure my whole life. The second painting was a request I made of my sweet sister in law @lisamariaportfolio. I love her water color paintings, especially her little robin, and I knew I wanted her to paint an elephant with sunflowers for me. She made it even better by adding a baby elephant! Squeal!! Elephants are my favorite animals and sunflowers are my favorite sunflowers. I now have this painting hanging above the baby crib (way up high out of reach, haha). She also gave me the beautiful frame last Christmas, I believe her friend makes these frames. I recently had an important insight. I have always loved elephants. My friend Crystal kept getting a lot of whales for my painting, and I've definitely felt a strong pull towards whales this year. It dawned on me a couple months ago that elephants are the largest land animals, and whales are the largest animals in the water. These largest creatures of the animal kingdom are teaching me to *take up space*, to be as big and bold as I know I am. I can no longer shrink and deny what/who I am. It is absurd to play small and pretend I don't exist. I am here, large and in charge of my life, and it's time to own it.

I love this picture because there's wrinkles around my eyes and for some reason I'm totally into that. I also found some gray hairs yesterday and I'm convinced I'm gonna look hot with gray hair. Hahahahahahaha. Oh just popping on here to say I've been battling the worst case of anxiety that I can remember for the last couple weeks and I was finally able to come up for air today. I managed to hold it together all day (although the day isn't over) and that feels good. I'm bummed I couldn't keep up with my daily #graciesfavoritethings posts, I was just so overwhelmed with life and only posted stuff I was making over at @thegracefulbirch (these earrings are for sale in my Etsy shop!). I've been doing whatever I can to just get through the crazies right now, basically in survival mode. And in this space, I realize how overzealous so many of us are (me included). Oh sure there's always room for improvement. But realize the "always" of that statement means the hustle is neverending. And nobody can keep up with that. Everything I have done the last month (which has been incredibly little) is good enough. In many ways it's better than good enough. Because if I had actually attempted to do any more than I did, things would have gotten real shittier real fast. As @magamamas says, "you're not a machine." And I take that to heart. This is a time of year when nature slows down. We are apart of nature, so we should be slowing down too. And yet people become even busier this time of year and we get sick and go crazy. Maybe this message isn't for you, but maybe it is: give yourself some grace. Rest, as much as possible right now. Let the bare minimum be enough and discover just how much it really is.

A lot of times I feel like I share too much. Some days I try to convince myself I just need to shutup, and honestly, there are times when I really DO need to shutup. But then I receive feedback like this and remember that it's not all about me. Several individuals in my life have told me, repeatedly, that my experiences are not all that unique. It's always said to help me let go of clinging to an identity that revolves around separation and isolation (#enneagram4). But oftentimes I take this concept of being similar to others as meaning I should just shutup. Yes Grace, everyone else also has your experiences, why should you expect anyone to care about what you express to the world? But truthfully, BECAUSE I share similar experiences with the rest of the population is the REASON I need to keep sharing... because not everyone knows how to put their experiences into words. That's what I'm good at. I've been told that ever since I started a blog on MySpace when I was 18 years old. It's a gift to be able to do what I do because a lot of people can't (and they can do lots of helpful stuff that I simply can't... like understand what's underneath a car hood). It's important for me to continue sharing my journey and my life process, because it helps both me and others find clarity. There is no moral standard here on what I should or should not share. That's like trying to judge whether my life experiences themselves have moral value. Yes, there's always consequences and I have to determine whether I find each case to be worth it or not, but its not a case of right or wrong. I am morally free to share whatever I want. If you don't like reading my words then just don't read them. I'm definitely not for everybody. But I'm definitely for some people, perhaps a great lot of people. And for my sake and theirs, I continue to share because this is where I find my common ground and connection with the rest of humanity. My life experiences may not be all that unique, but my expressions certainly are, and I will continue to develop my voice through the writen word and song. Thank you to all those who read my words and listen to my music. You help give my life meaning 💜

DAY 8 of #graciesfavoritethings : chocolate. THIS chocolate. I tried a lot of crappy chocolate until I got to this stuff. I can't believe how much bad chocolate there is in the world. Funny thing about me is that I LOVE chocolate but I honestly don't eat that much of it. I love brownies, I love chocolate cake, and the date bars I make became instantaneously better when I increased the amount of cocoa powder by like 500%. Since I don't often make these chocolate goodies, I finally decided I needed to keep some chocolate bars on hand because I crave chocolate a lot. Just one little bite and I'm good. This dark chocolate is pretty darn good but I also really love this raspberry kind. Raspberry is another favorite flavor of mine. Chocolate and raspberry together is extra fantastic. Add in some cheesecake and I'm in heaven. Dang it, now I really want some cheesecake. #chocolate

DAY 7 of #graciesfavoritethings : My new journal from @purplebeanbindery : This was my favorite score from this year's #commongroundcountryfair. About a month prior, Anna of Purple Bean Bindery posted a picture of this big beauty on Instagram and I knew immediately that I needed it. The color, that face, and best of all, the title. I had recently written a song called "Being Human", and another one called "Welcome to Humanity", and was conspiring to write an entire album of music dedicated to the complexities of what it means to be a human. This journal fit my current theme. I sent Anna a message asking if I could purchase it, and she replied that due to the size and shipping costs, it would only be available at fairs/shows. I knew she had several shows coming up and I thought for sure it would get snatched up right away, so I told myself that if it was meant for me then it would still be available come Common Ground. And so, first thing Friday morning of the fair, I dashed over to her booth and THERE IT WAS. I almost cried. It's even better in person. The inside cover is FUSHIA which is my favorite color, and fushia and orange is my favorite color combo (my wedding colors 9 years ago!). This journal is larger than I typically use but it happens to be the perfect size for writing lyrics/music... in fact, days before the fair I was organizing my music and thinking it was time to get a large notebook to start writing songs in again. It was all meant to be. I finally wrote my first entry/song in it today and it feels sooo good! I LOVE @purplebeanbindery journals (I've already filled up one I bought in 2017) and will probably get another one soon for my regular journaling. These handmade journals are high quality, lay flat, and so unique! It is clear Anna is doing her life's work making these joyful journals and it is my joy to do my life's work using them :) THANK YOU SO MUCH ANNA!!! ❤💛💚💙💜💖

DAY 6 of #graciesfavoritethings : My favorite books (fiction): *Gone With the Wind by Margaret Mitchell is my favorite novel. It's 1000 pages long so I've only read it 3 times (I think... maybe 4). I first read it in 5th grade hoping to score some massive Accelerated Reader points (lol, remember those days???) but the program ended before I finished the book. It wasn't until I became an adult that I truly appreciated how good a story it is. It also helps shed more light on the complicated issues happening in the South before and after the Civil War that no one ever wants to admit or talk about. These issues contribute to the racism still prevalent in the South and helps explain why some people just won't let go of their Confederate heritage. Historical aspects aside, Gone With the Wind is a fascinating exploration of different characters and archtypes and despite the fact that Scarlett O'Hara is a serious bitch, I find her underlying struggles so relatable. * The Visitation by Frank Peretti will always be one of my favorites. It's a balm to the soul of anyone who's burned out on church/Evangelical Christianity and trying to find God in the middle of it all. It's a mystery and thriller that is both hilarious and painful. I now take serious issue with Peretti's relentless demonization of anything that smells of Eastern spirituality or New Age, but I still love this story and the heart of its message. * A Wrinkle in Time by Madeline L'engle continues to stand the test of time. I love reading this little story, it still captures my imagination (which is saying something because I'm not super into fantasy). I will not share my feelings about Disney's recent movie production of this beloved classic (hint: I'm not a fan). One of these days I should read the rest of the series. * Anne of the Island by L.M. Montgomery is my favorite of the Anne books. #allthefeels. I just wish I could live with Anne and her college girlfriends in their snug little house. UGHHH this book is SO GOOD. I feel like I should be writing a separate post for each of these books because there's too much to say! I love Anne like any other sane person, we'll just leave it at that 😀

I don't want to write, I don't want to talk about it, whatever the fuck "it" is. Maybe all I really want and need is someone to just be here and give me a hug and let me cry. Texts, phone calls, emails, social media... none of them can replace the need for physical presence and contact. I don't need medication, I don't need therapy, I don't need more nature walks, I don't need more music and arts and crafts. I need people to literally cry on. I realize the irony and futility of posting this on social media. Any likes or comments or messages in reply simply continue the irony and futility. It is what it is.

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